(Funny how when you start thinking
'random thought', you start making a list of all these not-so-random thoughts,
trying to make sense of it all. I guess capturing thoughts, in a way, is just
like capturing those photographs under a decisive moment. Ah, decisive
moments-- there is this photography discussion I need to attend on Tuesday, I
guess.. and there is this movie date plan at the same day, or was it on different week? I forgot. I need to check on my schedule. But why does life get so scheduled recently? Maybe that is how I
lose myself. Maybe that is how life starts to be a continuous series of
to-do-lists and ....there, again! I lost the word. It just flew by and I
didn't capture it at the right time. I want to write a note to capture passed moment, but I have too many things I want to write and end up not
writing it. Ah. At least the writing jobs are done
and sent tho.. now I have time to leisure-write and read for pleasure. The
best! At the moment I am re-reading Hemingway's Movable Feast. It gets better
anytime I re-read it. It also feels more alive. Like I can see the scene and
walk down these Paris street meeting all these famous friends. How could most of his friend seem to be so famous, I wonder. Maybe that's the
thing with the lost generation-- they are all famous in a way. But what happen
to the less famous ones in the group then? It took me awhile to read now. I
used to read really fast, like, finishing one book in few hours. Now it took me
few days or even weeks to finish a book. I guess I am more of a slow reader
now, digesting each phrases in a more contemplative way. Sometime I re-read a beautiful passage and write it down in my diary. It
breaks my heart to finish a good book-- like saying goodbye to a friend, knowing it will take a few years before
we will reunite. Take this Moveable Feast for example. I bought it in
2011 on my first trip abroad with Dito before
we get married, I guess. It was 4 years ago and I only got the privilege to
reread the book now. It has also been awhile since the last
time I reread Little Prince. It was almost like an annual ritual for me to read
Little Prince. Every year, I find a new meaning of it. It's almost like a prophecy.
Like telling me a lesson of life I failed to see and reminding me to embrace
that side that is drifting away from me now. I feel like I am growing up--
maturing faster than I want. Yet, in a way or another, I am a late bloomer. I
should've matured years ago and that book reminded me to slow down. I guess I've been moving pretty fast these past few years,
missing several moments I might need to capture, and just like that-- I'm
drifting away and realize it was still not fast enough. I have been spending the past two months losing control over
myself, making a weekly trip to the hospital, taking more blood test in a month
than I have ever been in years, and was lost in the uncertainty of things I
don't understand. It might also be a reminder to actually slow down, tho. But I
took my chance. Two months is more than enough. Taking a break can actually be exhausting-- my mind will start questioning the purpose of it and compulsively play the comparison game. That game is evil-- it's consuming you from the inside. In that case, I might need a mind detox too. Yesterday we went to see a theater show and at the end of it, my heart was broken into tiny little pieces and my mind was heavy with all these things-- the minimalist setting that somehow give me a haunting cinematic vision of the show, dark humors that makes me cried a little for laughing so much, the sublime dance of one of my favorite actress, and most of all, the beautiful phrases that gives me a pinch right into that part of my heart that I almost forgot it existed. Dito and I were both heartbroken after the show and our mind busy, our conversation ongoing-- so we decided to take a long almost-midnight drive around the city just to ease our mind from that pain and just talk. You know, that kind of pain that is cultivated for artistic reasons-- it's like getting high on a strange beautiful drug. I feel like I need the most banal of all junkfood afterward-- that overrated minions ice cream and classic fries, to take me back on the ground.
Last week, we went back to the doctor and for the very first time, we saw him getting very happy and excited to see the latest result of my test. Like a proud father responding to an achievement his daughter showed him. I miss my father so much, btw. It’s been 10 years since we lost him and yesterday was father’s day. The internet was full of videos and feeds that make me weep. Anyway, the doctor, at one moment, I thought he was going to give me high-five and dance in the room. He used to always be so strict and serious and frustrated to see my previous results; making me feel like a bad student in front of the school principal.. ashamed, but not knowing what to do-- I did my best tho. Eat better, work hard and then take a once in awhile bedrest, exercise, take supplements. But still, it was like a student who studies really hard and still get bad grades on the final exam. But that is only until that day, I finally feel much better with that strange excited smile from the doctor. Everyone in the room was very relieved. I can now get a grip and start taking control over my life once again. I still get those pills that's giving me strange vivid dreams but less frequently now. I need to get a grip, and start living free once again. Freedom, was also a funny thing. When I first decided to stop being a 9to5 working person, I thought I opt for freedom. I didn't get the memo that I was actually jumping into a circle of not-so-free utopic freedom. Yes, I am not bounded by a strict working hour in some lousy office but I am bounded by my own targets, and to do lists, and it also means working almost non-stop. You have the freedom to choose when to stop and when to keep on working but at times, there is no privilege to do that—not yet. And when grown up things happen-- like, having to pay car taxes, services, weekly visit to the lab, employee's salary, birthday gifts, and the household bills that all at the same time sum up at a total that could hypothetically buy me a return ticket to Japan-- I question my freedom. Was this the freedom that I aimed few years ago when I took the leap out of the office life? It gives me more and more questions about life and the choices I made. It made me frustrated and I wish I could just take a leap and go somewhere to forget about it for awhile, get some space, and rearrange my life. I am now in a process of doing just that. Which reminds me, this year is probably the only year in the past 4 years when I am not leaving town during Ramadan. I have been not fasting for almost 4 years now because I was always somewhere far on a trip.. but not this year. It makes me sad in a way knowing that I am not going anywhere-- and I just find out that I am this kind of person who get a bit stressed out to stay in one place and not going anywhere. But, at the same time, I'm glad I have time to fix things up, concentrate on Lir, take a well-deserved rest, maybe I get to impulsively go to some place with a view every once in awhile, and I can do fasting too, which is a bonus point. I don't use to eat alone, and especially not during sahur but my husband doesn't do sahur so I got to drag myself to actually take a bite of something nutritious in the cold wee hours of the morning. Usually I need to arrange my food in a way that it looks neat and tidy and delicious and photographable so I have a liiitle bit of motivation to eat it. It's worse when I'm at Lir but once I'm home, I can always go to my mom’s and eat together. I need to conquer my fear of eating alone tho. Taking myself on a date, maybe? It might actually give me a new sense of confidence-- which I guess I am lack of now. When do my mind start being like this? I used to be all dreamy and stuff. Culture, I guess, in one way or another-- does make you sour. Like yoghurt. If I was writing this random text few years ago, I'm pretty sure there will be thoughts of the deep blue sky, open road, bright sunlight and long shade of the trees, the smell of the ocean, an impulsive trip to the mountain side with the 'salem' trees, and all that without thinking about the gasoline. I guess that is what a grown up mind like-- they call it responsibility. I don’t mind for as long as I don’t turn into an angry grown up—I know some of them in the society and read their angry thoughts online here and there. They scared me.
Could it possibly true that
there is a cost for freedom or is there such thing as absolute freedom? Now I
want to read more books. I want to read more beautiful book, and walk down the
forest too. I haven't tried using the electricity plug in the middle of the
garden in Joglo. I need to try it one day. It must be pretty strange to plug
the electricity to what seem to be a tree, having picnic while actually writing
an article. That might be fun, and still responsible-- if, I can actually write
and not getting too distracted with the birds and the trees and the blue sky: this
is a more possible scenario. Or I can do those paper works-- I am a pretty
analog person when it comes to thoughts and ideas. I need to create a
'blueprint' of it and scribble it down the paper before actually making sense
of it. I have one long essay to finish, but for now, I just want to read and
read and read. I don't read enough anymore-- my words doesn't have the quality
of a storyteller like I hope it should be. I start missing my day as the picnic
girl-- self-assured, carefree, impulsive, dreamy, and all that. I need to start
taking care of myself too-- that will make me feel better. I don’t even have
new portrait and it makes me feel a
bit dull. Confidence is a big issue now, since I'm drifted away from my self
control. Both need to be regained, fight for. Knowledge, I guess, at the same
time, can lessen your freedom and confidence. I keep on questioning myself all
over again, having a self-doubt that needs to be solved and consulted to a good
conversation, or a book. I feel hungrier. It's like a vicious never-ending
cycle. I enjoy it tho, being hungry and clueless—it almost like
starting an adventure or a quest to learn and find out about one thing or
another; and then you dig deep down, searching for some answers that lead only
to more questions, like playing a big endless puzzle. Sometime it can also gets too
tiring. I wish I was still like a brave young Alice jumping into the
rabbit hole without thinking twice. Sometime, I wish I am more of this simple
lady leading a normal simple life, not thinking too much about this and that,
not bothered easily by what I observe. I guess there can
be a balance between a carefree attitude, curiosity, and responsibility. But,
how? Let's now do something for pleasure
without thinking twice and thinking what for. Let's now take a leap and go on
an impulsive trip without questioning where to go. Let's do things we used to
do and just enjoy the moment. Let’s take a long drive and get lost in a
never-ending conversation. Let's now enjoy the crisp peppermint wind, the deep blue sky, and that glorious sunsets and just daydream-- thinking of some random thoughts and cultivating the artistic pain. Shall we? It's that time of the year. But first, I guess I need to take a nap.)
